A little girl learns how to make babies
Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that
they had learned how to make babies.
The mother, rather shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain. After
listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, "Did you ask her to explain how it is done?"
"No," said the mother.
"Then ask her and call me back," replied the teacher.
"So HOW DO you make babies?" asked the mother.
Susie responded, "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies'."
A
girl asks where she comes from
"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.
It was
a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several
other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then
they both sat back and smiled contentedly.
"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.
"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit.
I want to know where I came from."
BEFORE & AFTER CHILDREN...
Before children: I was thankful to have been born in the USA, the most
powerful
free democracy in the world.
After Children: I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As
well as saving
valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking
off his shoes -- which gives me three extra seconds to
activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right
before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.
Before children: I was thankful for the recycling program which will
preserve our natural resources and prevent the
overloading of landfills.
After children: I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my
son
wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up
wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his
bottom.
Before children: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
After children: I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni
and cheese --
without which my children would be surviving on about
three bites of cereal and their own spit.
Before children: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college
education and have a higher quality of life than my
ancestors.
After children: I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being
interrupted.
Before children: I was thankful for holistic medicince and natural herbs.
After children: I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup
guaranteed to
"cause
drowsiness" in young children.
Before children: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught,
encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative
years.
After children: I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watcher
who
let me strip down to pantyhouse and a strategically placed
scarf
before getting on the scale each week.
Before children: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic
foreign
countries so I could experience a different way of
life
in a new culture.
After children: I am thankful to have time to make
it all the way down
the driveway to get the mail.
Before children: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.
After children: I am thankful for the butterball turkey
hotline.
Before children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my
loved ones.
After children: I am thankful for the lock on
the bathroom door.
Before children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture,
a
nice car and trendy clothes.
After children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good
shoes.
Before children: I was thankful for my wonderful family
After children: I am thankful for my wonderful family
Questions kids asked but we just couldn't answer:
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
"Truths About Parenting"
A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have
nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Familiarity breeds children.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
Lord invented mothers because He couldn't be everywhere at once.
Lord invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
Signs that you're a New Dad:
Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds
normal.
You are used to doing everything one-handed.
The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant
one.
The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to
zero.
Your idea of romance is hand-holding.
You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."
You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based
upon how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.
You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think,
"Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in... babysitting?"
Glossary of Kids' Kitchen Terms
APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before
a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they
are mixed together.
CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.
COOKIE (Last One): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
CRUST: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of
[ ] China, [ ] India, [ ] Africa or [ ] Mid-East (check one).
DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear
the table or wash dishes.
FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of
meat they do not wish to eat.
FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking
FROZEN: Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
GERMS: The only thing kids will share freely.
KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
LEFTOVERS: Commonly described as "gross."
LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.
LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.
MACARONI: Material for a collage.
MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil usually stored in the sandbox.
METRIC: A system of measurement that will be accepted only after forty
years of wandering in the desert.
NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.
NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage,
and constant guard duty.
PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when
not being used as an art gallery.
SALIVA: A medium for blowing bubbles.
SODA POP: Shake'N Spray.
TABLE: A place for storing gum.
TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument
THIRSTY: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."
VEGETABLE: A basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger -- but only by
sight.
WATER: The cola of underdeveloped countries.
The new Dad feeds his baby
The first-time Father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some
strained peas.
Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the
infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space ande asks, "What in the world are
you doing ?"
He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
A Mother's Dictionary
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am, too.
DEFENCE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let
dechildren play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything
we say.
LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you say
it.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes and clean clothes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and
to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as not to upset
the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS!!!: An exclamation that translates roughly into "Get a rag, quick!!"
Rules about kids for parents
A child's behavior will improve in proportion
to the distance she is away from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum
lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the
distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate
to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional
to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year
... unless it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases
with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
Things I learned from mom?
My Mom taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going
to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!"
My Mom taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."
My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My Mom taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mom taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in
case you're in an accident."
My Mom taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something
to cry about."
My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and
eat your supper!"
My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you look at the dirt
on the back of your neck!"
My Mom taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that
spinach is finished."
My Mom taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through
your room."
My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because
I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told
you a million times... Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world
and I can take you out."
My Mom taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like
your father
Reasons not to mess with a child
A little girl was
talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five
and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
She's dead. "
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I
would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
"
